This will be a long one, so strap in baby, let's get into it!
There is this theory that throughout our lifetime we may fall in love at 3 different times, during 3 unique stages of our lives that end up shaping us into the people we are today therefore being know as The 3 Love Theory.
You may have relationships in between these “loves” but you will have 3 that are defining enough that stick out from the rest.
I first heard of this theory when my then-therapist was trying to help me heal after one of my own failed relationships and she said “Don’t worry Kennidy, by the sounds of it, you are only on your second love, and thank god you got out of it.”
I thought it was odd, she told me a bit more about it but in the end, I sort of shrugged it off. I also more or less avoided the conversation as I was scared to ask how many she thought I had yet to run through, given my lucky love life, I was scared it could be a lot.
This concept came rushing back nearly a year later after meeting my now husband Luca. From there I went down a rabbit hole after diving deeper into the theory and I was shocked at how undeniably accurate it was when looking at my past love life.
SO! You could say I am a bit of a believer.
As we dive into this topic I will be adding my two cents in from time to time which I feel will allow you to grasp the concept that much more when you have someone whom you may be able to relate with.
With that in mind, let’s dive in.
1 : First Love (Intimate)
As soon as you read that title, someone came to mind, who was it? Stay there.
Remember how easily you fell in love the first time? It was new, unique and nothing like you felt before. It was a kind of cute puppy love. It was intense, passionate and borderline obsessive and it could have even been your first “real” relationship.
It's easy to fall in love here because you two were likely friends before, casually flirting and playing it off for months like you weren’t crushing on each other before you finally caved in.
You fell hard, fast and revelled in the feeling, probably thinking this is exactly what they base every rom-com around. You can’t wait to see them in between classes and stare at your phone until they reply to your last text. Your little brain is convincing you that they are the one, and you cannot imagine spending your life without them. Inevitably you probably swiped that V card without a second thought, because obviously, you were going to spend your life together so why does it matter? Either way, that part doesn't.
But the thing is, we were young!
Eventually, the walls start to crack. There are many break-ups and make-ups and one way or another you keep getting back together. The fights continue, and you start to realize that jealousy is not really romantic.
You are undeniably in love but your ideals and interests aren't matching up. You both start drifting apart.
Long story short, you eventually break up. The walls have caved down now, and you will feel like your heart has been ripped out of your chest and you’ll cry in your mother’s arms as she tries to convince you everything will be okay. You'll blast that breakup playlist in your car, and scream the lyrics at the top of your lungs even after your ears start ringing.
It’s hard to put into words the feelings in those moments, but we've been there, and we know exactly how it feels.
It seems like it may be impossible to ever be able to recover from this heartbreak, BUT you do. Thankfully. And you move on.
2 : Second Love - The Hard Love (Passionate)
Now for the real doozy. We thought the first love was hard, WELL, meet your toxic ass second.
SURPRISE, you're in love again! But everything may not be like it seems on the surface.
Toxicity can be found in many different forms. But to love is a natural thing, and who doesn't want that? But with that desire, we tend to date people who are completely wrong for us.
If a red flag is staring you blankly in the face, there is a reason.
Overall, our second love is toxic whether it’s through lies, pain or manipulation this is the love that does a number on your psyche. This person tends to be charismatic, humorous and even mysterious, adding to the whole facade.
The convincing part is (let’s be real here) it’s hella passionate, hot and heavy right from the beginning. They shower you with gifts, attention and romance, which is hard for anyone not to fall into.
Although the relationship starts kinda rocky, and the red flags are a little obvious, you try to stay optimistic and push your intuition aside.
Emotional, mental or even physical abuse and manipulation may exist, alongside a high likelihood of experiencing intense ups and downs. It is those extreme highs and lows that have you essentially addicted to the relationship. The lows can be so overwhelming that you aren’t sure why you still stay. But you always stay, and you take it because you’ve seen the highs, you crave them, even when they are outnumbered by lows.
For my chronic people pleasers, you desperately try to fix them. Your sole purpose is to make sure they are okay and taken care of, but you forget about yourself. They continually disrespect you, and your boundaries and eventually, they may start to isolate you away from your friends and family. Oh boy, let's also not forget about the gaslighting.
Still pushing aside that intuition, you try to tell yourself it will eventually change and they keep promising you it will, but it is a never-ending pattern of disappointment. They are very talented at playing the victim, a lot of the time they threaten suicide as a way to make sure you never leave.
But unfortunately, some never do, and they stay stuck. The second love tends to become a cycle, that can even be passed down through generations. Even if you do decide to leave, that same cycle can continue to stick and we try time and time again with partners who aren't worth the effort.
Unless the person decides for themselves that they want to change and get help, they will never change if it wasn’t their choice or they were pressured into making it. They will never be fully committed to change, therefore they will always stay the same.
These people are pathological liars, so when can you believe they are telling the truth?
Because for me the lies became undeniable and there was more to life than trying to fix a man who was all of the above, who got me fired, had another girlfriend when he asked me to be his, lied about his age, stole my medication, did drugs behind my back, LIVED OFF MY MONEY, crashed my vehicle all the while convincing me that I was the problem all because I fell in love. Ich.
This love will inevitably teach us more about ourselves than we ever expected to know. Through the heartache, we figure out how we want and deserve to be loved by prioritizing ourselves.
And if you are on this love, snap out of it, and realize that you deserve so much better.
Stop ignoring the red flags and get the hell out of there, because that third love could be right around the corner, baby!
3 : The Final Love (The Love That Lasts)
The next and final love in your story is the third one. After your second love, you do some soul searching, you’re in your healing era and doing things that genuinely bring you happiness without worrying about anyone else.
But this is the love you never saw coming. It comes out of nowhere and practically slaps you in the face when you least expected it!
It blows any preconceived notions of love out the window and shatters any lingering ideals we held onto of what love should look like.
Immediately it felt like you were being swept off your feet. Quite literally I fake tripped into my husband's arms just to get his attention.
It’s a love that is easy without any expectations. We are just simply accepted. They love our insecurities, the ones we would always shy away from and of course those end up being their favourite parts of you.
There is no pressure to be anything other than courageously yourself. They break down those walls you fought hard to put up. Incredibly they actually give a shit and genuinely want to know about you, your life and passions.
You come together effortlessly, the connection is undeniable and everything after that falls into place. It’s like the universe had a plan or something…
It’s hard to believe that this love is real because you never envisioned talking through your arguments, instead of screaming you are listening and discussing, and instead of blaming there is understanding.
You find out what it truly means to be loved down to your core. The both of you wholeheartedly love each other's flaws as much as their strengths, truly and unconditionally.
FINAL THOUGHTS
There is also a possibility that we won’t experience these loves in our lifetimes as we can shut ourselves out of the idea due to what has happened in the past. We just have to be open enough to see the signs for what they are. But you may also just not be ready to love and that's okay too.
There is a possibility of your partner inhabiting all 3 of these loves into one, experiencing it through different stages together. So don't throw away your high school sweetheart you're one of the lucky ones.
After my therapist told me about the 3 love theory, she also got me to figure out what I wanted in a partner. She had me do this exercise where I would write down specifically what I wanted in a partner based on 4 categories: Emotional, Physical, Spiritual, and Mental.
She said to be as specific as possible, be vain and lay it all out even if it means you want him to be a specific height or body type. Even down to his hair and eye colour.
Honestly, I didn't think much of it, and I went backpacking in Thailand to escape a lot of things going on and, more importantly, to escape my crazy second love. I brought this book along with me not even remembering what I wrote in it...
After meeting Luca and moving to The Bahamas, I went flipping through this book curiously and found this specific exercise I had done nearly a year prior at this point.
I was shocked, that everything I had written down on this paper of what I wanted in a partner, was 100% identical to Luca. My takeaway was that once I realized someone was worth my love, and I allowed myself the opportunity to fall again, the universe practically dropped him off on my doorstep and said "It's about damn time."
insert Lizzo's "It's About Damn Time"
Was it the universe, did I manifest it, or was it all just a coincidence? It's still super crazy to think about even 5 years later. But who really knows!
Another cliche heading your way:
“We need to learn what love is not, before realizing what it is.”
Be kind to yourself, and keep fishing through that pond.
Keep swimming, fishy 🐠
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